Sought & Salvaged

First, thank you for taking time to read this bit.  I am going to share with you some moments from my life that led to a radical transformation. I only speak for myself, but at the same time, I do hope you are encouraged after reading. So without further ado, I’ll start by sharing a dream I had during my university years.

2008

I was floating in a dark limbo of nothingness. All I saw was pitch-blackness. Suddenly, an audible demonic voice was laughing into my ears. It seized my body and disabled my ability to wake-up. I kept fighting to move, even an inch, so I could wake up. I felt frozen and paralyzed. The demonic laughter continued and then I finally woke up. I was terrified and gasping for air at 4 AM in the morning. I don’t remember how I got myself back to sleep but I did. That same night, I dreamt of a glowing, glorious figure. I could sense he was an entity and saw him attired in white. His face was represented by this ethereal glow that radiated like a full circle sun. The entity extended his hand towards me and voiced “Come with me.” I woke up feeling dumbfounded after both dreams.

2015

The second memory I’d like to share is one where I was awake and completely lucid. I was walking on a cemented pathway that parted unruly wheat crops while listening to the song: Oceans by Hillsong United.  I felt the lyrics expressing a part of me that was unsearched. Something was happening in my heart but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

I’ve always had an appreciation for Christian worship music even as a person who didn’t believe in God. The profoundness in the lyrics carried meaning that I sought to experience and understand.

I first heard this song in a church, when a friend invited me to go. I remember casually telling her that I really liked it. While the band played the song, I secretly cried on the inside and held back tears, fists clenched. The second time I heard it, I was with my cousin and I asked for the title. After that, I couldn’t stop playing it on my commute to and from work, and on emotionally tough days. It was pure wholesome music that poured into my soul. However the words Jesus | Spirit | Savior made me feel quiet unease. This song was very deep and stirred something within me. I was intrigued but very guarded as I continued listening to it.

2015

The third memory on this journey quite literally jolted me.

CRASH. I rear-ended a car in jammed traffic after work hours on 280-South freeway. I stupidly checked my text messages when I needed to attend to driving. The driver pulled over on the right and turned on her emergency lights. I got out of my vehicle and walked to hers. The noise escalated as I entered a surrounding of cars slowly moving, braking, and honking. I bent down as she lowered her passenger’s window.

“M’am, are you okay?”

Her eyes were heavy and she was shaking, “I’m fine.”

I could tell she was in shock from our collision and I apologized to her.

“It’s fine. I just have a terrible migraine and just need to go home.”

I agreed with her statement, gave her my insurance information, and then sent her on her way. I felt so terribly irresponsible for causing this woman physical pain.

One day later, I receive a text message from her. She said she still had a headache and had noticed a scratch on her bumper. It could’ve been from a different accident, though. She requested that we meet the next morning at a public address to discuss consequences. I drove to the location, and pulled into what I realized was the parking lot of a church. I called her and we met out in front. She greeted me cheerfully and we exchanged small talk for a bit. Then she stated that she didn’t want my money or to make a big deal out of the incident. She had had thoughts of filing a car insurance claim, but it just didn’t feel right in her heart.

“I’ll forget the whole thing if you come into church with me and listen to the worship band for a bit.” I was so relieved and agreed to her offer. She also shared a bit on how she had a history of being addicted to drugs but God had saved her.

We walk into a huge auditorium and there is already music playing, people standing and singing along, their arms waving in the air.

“The worship band is amazing! I just love the music here. You can just sit and listen to a few songs. Leave whenever you want,” she says.

I would intermittently observe her – she looked very content and calm worshipping, palms facing upwards, eyes closed, lips singing along, and body swaying side to side. She would also whisper “Thank you Jesus.” Uncomfortable with the experience, I thanked her again and decided to leave after staying for about three songs.

2015

A few months later. 

I was hanging out with two dear friends in Orange County. One showed me her friend’s wedding video. There was a song playing in the background, Saturn – Sleeping at Last. I enjoyed the melody but didn’t really listen to the lyrics. The following day, I departed my friends and drove back to San Jose alone in the night. The sky was clear and ebony, dotted by a scattering of stars twinkling above.  I got a chance to listen more closely:

You taught me the courage of stars before you left.

How light carries on endlessly, even after death.

With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite.

How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist.

This song transported me to an unreached place in my heart. There was this atmosphere of peace and joy. I couldn’t quite comprehend it. Overwhelmed with feeling this presence, I cried and cried and cried.  I got a sense of what an honor it is even to exist. I had such a desire to give thanks.

I couldn’t elucidate this experience to people very well. My mother just ignored me after I shared. Some people said,  “I’m glad you found something that makes you happy.” Some said, “Friend, I think God revealed himself to you!” Whatever the responses were, my spirit and heart were searching for the source of this incredible feeling. In perfect timing, one of my SoCal friends visited her family in San Jose and invited me to check out a new church called C3 Silicon Valley with her. I agreeably went with her, this time – not going to support a friend, but in search for truth, whatever this was. At the end of the sermon, pastor Adam Smallcombe asked for those who wanted to receive Jesus Christ as their Savior or those who were in need of prayer to come to the front of the stage. I hesitated and was terrified, my feet frozen to the spot. Then the pastor encouraged, “If you have a friend you came with, why don’t you say to your friend: hey, if you want to go up I’ll go up with you.”

My friend turned to me, “If you want, I’ll go up with you.” 

I was saved and received a beautiful prayer that moved me to tears.

For the next few days, my mind was still adjusting to this huge decision I had made, so naturally I had some doubts. I had to choose this walk of faith by trusting and hearing the word of God. {Romans 10:17} So faith comes from hearing [what is told], and what is heard comes by the [preaching of the] message concerning Christ. 

I believe a lot of my memories are crumbs of clues to His existence and that was good enough for me. {2 Corinthians 12:9} 9 but He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.”

It is a specific, voluntary decision on the part of every person to follow Jesus Christ that makes a person a Christian. Life flipped right side up for me. I realized that I had been misleading myself and been trying to make it on my own. I was exhausted by my life circumstances and emotional turmoil.  I thought I was the one in control when God had been waiting for me all along and cultivating me for His purposes. He sought me out until I couldn’t deny His pursuit any longer. 

I’ve started to understand my self-worth since I’ve chosen to accept and follow Jesus Christ. Life itself is an intentional and loving gift from God. Life is sacred. 

I’m just simply overjoyed that there is something outside of myself. Every person on earth is created for a purpose and to love as well as be loved in a community. Knowing the immensity of God’s love immediately places intrinsic value on your life. 

If I produce my own value and self-worth, then they are self-defined. Our morality and inclination towards goodness derive from a higher-than-humanity source. For me, I’ve found a loving, moral and eternal grounding in God. He is the only One whom I am not indebted to. He doesn’t hold any of my wrongs against me. Instead, He longs to bring me through my wrong and suffering in order to polish me. He wholeheartedly accepts me as I am and in that lovingness I have discovered my salvation. Dare I say that my salvation is like unveiling the true freedom to love the world in all its perfection and faults, beauty and deformities, ebbs and flows. Love is a choice to be made daily and it’s definitely possible when you choose a relationship with Jesus. {Ephesians 2:8} 8 For it is by grace [God’s remarkable compassion and favor drawing you to Christ] that you have been saved [actually delivered from judgment and given eternal life] through faith. And this [salvation] is not of yourselves [not through your own effort], but it is the [undeserved, gracious] gift of God;

The goodness of our Father exceeds everything and when you realize that He is the only One who never condemns, but whose sole existence is to love, forgive, salvage and restore – then your heart will be radically shifted. It's a wild journey with Him. : )

How I love and praise You, God!

Daily I will worship You

Passionately and with all my heart.

My arms will wave to You like banners of praise.

I overflow with praise when I come before You,

For the anointing of Your presence

Satisfies me like nothing else.

You are such a rich banquet of pleasure to my soul.

{Psalm 63:1-5 TPT}