First, thank you
for taking time to read this bit. I am
going to share with you some moments from my life that led to a radical transformation.
I only speak for myself, but at the same time, I do hope you are encouraged
after reading. So without further ado, I’ll start by sharing a dream I had
during my university years.
2008
I was floating in
a dark limbo of nothingness. All I saw was pitch-blackness. Suddenly, an
audible demonic voice was laughing into my ears. It seized my
body and disabled my ability to wake-up. I kept fighting to move, even an inch,
so I could wake up. I felt frozen and paralyzed. The demonic laughter continued
and then I finally woke up. I was terrified and gasping for air at 4 AM in the
morning. I don’t remember how I got myself back to sleep but I did. That same
night, I dreamt of a glowing, glorious figure. I could sense he was an entity
and saw him attired in white. His face was represented by this ethereal glow
that radiated like a full circle sun. The entity extended his hand towards me
and voiced “Come with me.” I woke up feeling dumbfounded after both dreams.
2015
The second memory I’d like to share is one where I was
awake and completely lucid. I was walking on a
cemented pathway that parted unruly wheat crops while listening to the song: Oceans
by Hillsong United. I felt the
lyrics expressing a part of me that was unsearched. Something was happening in my heart but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
Spirit,
lead me where my trust is without borders
Let
me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me
Take
me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And
my faith will be made stronger
I’ve always had an appreciation for Christian worship music even as a
person who didn’t believe in God. The profoundness in the lyrics carried
meaning that I sought to experience and understand.
I first heard this
song in a church,
when a friend invited me to go. I remember casually telling her that I
really liked it. While the band played the song, I secretly cried on the inside and held back tears, fists clenched.
The second time I heard it, I was with my cousin and I asked for the
title. After that, I couldn’t stop playing it on my commute to and from work, and on emotionally tough days. It was pure
wholesome music that poured into my soul. However the words Jesus | Spirit | Savior made me feel quiet unease. This
song was very deep and stirred something within me. I was intrigued but very
guarded as I continued listening to it.
2015
The third memory on this journey quite literally jolted
me.
CRASH. I rear-ended
a car in jammed traffic after work hours on 280-South freeway. I stupidly
checked my text messages when I needed to attend to driving. The driver pulled
over on the right and turned on her emergency lights. I got out of my vehicle
and walked to hers. The noise escalated as I entered a surrounding of cars
slowly moving, braking, and honking. I bent down as she lowered her passenger’s
window.
“M’am, are you
okay?”
Her eyes were
heavy and she was shaking, “I’m fine.”
I could tell she
was in shock from our collision and I apologized to her.
“It’s fine. I just
have a terrible migraine and just need to go home.”
I agreed with her
statement, gave her my insurance information, and then sent her on her way. I
felt so terribly irresponsible for causing this woman physical pain.
One day later, I
receive a text message from her. She said she still had a headache and had noticed a scratch on her bumper. It could’ve been
from a different accident, though. She requested that we meet the next morning
at a public address to discuss consequences. I drove to the location, and
pulled into what I realized was the parking lot of a church. I called her and
we met out in front. She greeted me cheerfully and we exchanged small talk for
a bit. Then she stated that she didn’t want my money or to make a big deal out
of the incident. She had had thoughts of
filing a car insurance claim, but it just didn’t feel right in her heart.
“I’ll forget the
whole thing if you come into church with me and listen to the worship band for
a bit.” I was so relieved and agreed to her offer. She also shared a bit on how
she had a history of being addicted to drugs but God had saved her.
We walk into a
huge auditorium and there is already music playing, people standing and singing
along, their arms waving in the air.
“The worship band
is amazing! I just love the music here. You can just sit and listen to a few
songs. Leave whenever you want,” she says.
I would
intermittently observe her – she looked very content and calm worshipping,
palms facing upwards, eyes closed, lips singing along, and body swaying side to
side. She would also whisper “Thank you Jesus.” Uncomfortable with the experience, I
thanked her again and decided to leave after staying for about three songs.
2015
A few months later.
I was hanging out
with two dear friends in Orange County. One showed me her friend’s wedding
video. There was a song playing in the background, Saturn – Sleeping at Last. I
enjoyed the melody but didn’t really listen to the lyrics. The following day, I
departed my friends and drove back to San Jose alone in the night.
The sky was clear and ebony, dotted by a scattering of stars twinkling
above. I got a chance to listen more
closely:
You taught me the
courage of stars before you left.
How light carries
on endlessly, even after death.
With shortness of
breath, you explained the infinite.
How rare and
beautiful it truly is that we exist.
This song transported
me to an unreached place in my heart. There was this atmosphere of peace and joy.
I couldn’t quite comprehend it. Overwhelmed with feeling this presence, I cried
and cried and cried. I got a sense of what
an honor it is even to exist. I had such a desire to give thanks.
I couldn’t elucidate this experience to people very well. My
mother just ignored me after I shared. Some people said, “I’m glad you found something that makes you
happy.” Some said, “Friend, I think God revealed himself to you!” Whatever the
responses were, my spirit and heart were searching for the source of this
incredible feeling. In perfect timing, one of my SoCal friends visited her family in San Jose and
invited me to check out a new church called C3 Silicon Valley with her. I agreeably went
with her, this time – not going to support a friend, but in search for truth,
whatever this was. At the end of the sermon, pastor Adam Smallcombe asked for
those who wanted to receive Jesus Christ as their Savior or those who were in
need of prayer to come to the front of the stage. I hesitated and was
terrified, my feet frozen to the spot. Then the pastor encouraged, “If you have
a friend you came with, why don’t you say to your friend: hey, if you want to
go up I’ll go up with you.”
My friend turned
to me, “If you want, I’ll go up with you.”
I was saved and
received a beautiful prayer that moved me to tears.
For the next few
days, my mind was still adjusting to this huge decision I had made, so naturally
I had some doubts. I had to choose this walk of faith by trusting and hearing
the word of God. {Romans 10:17} So faith comes from hearing [what
is told], and what is heard comes by the [preaching of the] message
concerning Christ.
I believe a lot of
my memories are crumbs of clues to His existence and that was good enough for
me. {2 Corinthians 12:9} 9 but He has said to me, “My grace is
sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always
available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and
is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.”
It is a specific,
voluntary decision on the part of every person to follow Jesus Christ that makes
a person a Christian. Life
flipped right side up for me. I realized that I had been misleading myself and been
trying to make it on my own. I was exhausted by my life circumstances and emotional turmoil. I thought I was the one in control when God had
been waiting for me all along and cultivating me for His purposes. He sought me
out until I couldn’t deny His pursuit any longer.
I’ve started to
understand my self-worth since I’ve chosen to accept and follow Jesus Christ.
Life itself is an intentional and loving gift from God. Life is sacred.
I’m just simply overjoyed that there is something outside of myself. Every person on earth is created for a purpose
and to love as well as be loved in a community. Knowing the immensity of God’s
love immediately places intrinsic value on your life.
If I produce my
own value and self-worth, then they are self-defined. Our morality and
inclination towards goodness derive from a higher-than-humanity source. For me,
I’ve found a loving, moral and eternal grounding in God. He is the only One whom I am not indebted
to. He doesn’t hold any of my wrongs against me. Instead, He longs to bring me
through my wrong and suffering in order to polish me. He wholeheartedly accepts me as I am and in that
lovingness I have discovered my salvation. Dare I say that my
salvation is like unveiling the true freedom to love the world in all its
perfection and faults, beauty and deformities, ebbs and flows. Love is a choice
to be made daily and it’s definitely possible when you choose a relationship
with Jesus. {Ephesians 2:8} 8 For it is by grace [God’s remarkable
compassion and favor drawing you to Christ] that you have been saved [actually
delivered from judgment and given eternal life] through faith. And this
[salvation] is not of yourselves [not through your own effort], but it is the
[undeserved, gracious] gift of God;
The goodness of
our Father exceeds everything
and when you realize that He is the only One who never condemns, but whose sole
existence is to love, forgive, salvage and restore – then your heart will be
radically shifted. It's a wild journey with Him. : )
How I love and praise You, God!
Daily I will worship You
Passionately and with all my heart.
My arms will wave to You like banners of praise.
I overflow with praise when I come before You,
For the anointing of Your presence
Satisfies me like nothing else.
You are such a rich banquet of pleasure to my soul.
{Psalm 63:1-5 TPT}
