Desert

A gust of unsettling wind blows on me, enveloping me in a whirl of grainy sand. I’m still and then I’m walking, but only seeing a landscape of speckled beige barrenness surrounding me. Where are You?

This is unclarity. 

I saw this picture during worship at church {Convergence House of Prayer} Sunday morning, mid-January. It was exactly how I was spiritually feeling after transitioning back home from teaching English in South Korea. I moved in with my mom, got a job doing behavior intervention with kiddos who have autism, and started attending an awesome new home-church. 

There is nothing really attractive about desert seasons, or at least in my opinion. The feeling that comes with being in it is immediate: where is the valley or lush greenery or the living water? The Latin root word for ‘desert’ is ‘deserere’ which means to abandon, forsake. Desert is also a synonym for loneliness and emptiness. When I read the meanings, it all resonated too familiarly. In the first Star Wars Trilogy, Luke Skywalker dreaded living on desert planet Tatooine and longed for something adventurous and exciting beyond the simple farmer’s life. He desired a heroic expedition that would be impactful, hence he was discontent with his reality. However, this was necessary for the growth of his character. He had to go through this season where ‘nothing’ exciting was really happening for him but is still a necessary component in developing his character. I needed to realize this for myself and not rush my spiritual growing process.

It’s in human nature to desire more when we don’t feel like we’re producing something tangible or spiritually gratifying. We can’t just sit in the present and enjoy what is; we want more. And that’s okay sometimes. However, there are times where we need to sit in the hidden quiet with God whether it be a day or a whole season. I know I struggled with that this season because I wanted to feel that exhilaration in being outwardly passionate for God or doing something to produce visible fruit. Right after I’ve chosen to follow Jesus, life felt like a year-long honeymoon. The Lord romanced me through worship music, Scriptures, travel, passionate vision, open creativity, and amazing friendships. I seriously felt like I was living that iconic scene in Titanic, where Jack holds Rose at the bow of the ship and she shouts “I’m flying Jack!” Except — it’s Jesus and me. Disgustingly romantic, I know. In these high moments, it’s easy to fall in love more and more with the Lord. However, having a relationship with God is more than just the excitement, romance, and splendor. It’s also about choosing to be obedient to His intentions and Word, even when it costs us something. It's persevering through the difficulties and learning what makes Papa’s heart and what breaks His heart. And so I've discovered an oasis in the desert: the longing to know more of His character and His Word because He's so devoted to us from the very beginning. This is the passion that will quench me.

It's hard to reside in an uncelebrated season where it feels like lack but do it anyway because it’s where God gets closest to your heart. It's so worth it. Being vulnerable with God is definitely easier spoken than done. There were things in the past that I usually went to for comfort such as shopping and my best friends (they have all moved away), but He was still waiting to be the one I run to first. When I have exhausted all other options in seeking comfort, I found them insufficient in sustaining me spiritually. I asked God “Why am I not satisfied?” 

“Because only I could satisfy you.” He said. 

He wants for us to know Him just like we desire to be intimately known: (For I desire and delight in [steadfast] love [faithfulness in a covenant relationship], rather than sacrifice, And in the knowledge of God more than burnt offerings. \ \ Hosea 6:6) The desert deepens our intimacy with Him because it’s where He reaches into the hidden places of our seeking thirsty hearts. It’s where our barren hearts meet the living water that is truth and eternal life through understanding beautiful Jesus. (As the deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God \ \ Psalms 42: 1-2) For me, I don’t know when the desert season will come to a close. But I’m moving through the desert with Him, learning to love and value the hidden treasures in the sand.

Uninvited, Lysa TerKeurst